PJ's futile attempt to impress everyone by running a half-marathon..... or how to have a mid-life crisis with 'dignity'
PJ: "So Gav why are you doing all these insane adventure races ?"
Gav: "PJ when a straight bloke reaches 40 or 50 he has 3 options. Chase young girls and look like a fool, buy flashy sports cars or big boats and look like a tool, or get fit. Dying of a heart attack in some sort of act of physical endurance is a lot better than being photographed coming out of a tittie bar by a private detective hired by your wife! ... er ... cough ... er ... so I've heard. Anyway the point is ya gotta choose the third option!"
PJ: "Or .... you could just sit on the couch and watch other people get fit!"
Gav: " PJ, no girl likes a couch potato ... now go and get some shoes and start running or something!".
This conversation must have been echoing in my subconscious because I was sitting one day drinking a beautiful Tassie wine with my sister who was visiting from England. She was telling me about a half-marathon she had done a couple of times and said "you should have a go at it". Inside my heard I was screaming "no freakin' way sister ... are you insane people have gotten seriously hurt in that race ... do I look like some sort of masochistic moron to you!" but what came out of my mouth was "alright then I will".
So the odyssey into a world of pain and possible humiliation begins ......
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14.02.2010
Two weeks on and still not running on dry land. Doing lot's of water running and swimming which hopefully will make a difference when I do get back on the track but for now it's "patience glasshopper", which translates as 'suck it up cry baby'. Aside from believing that a 12 year lay off has no impact on how quickly you can progress, the injury was caused in part by muscle and flexibility imbalances. Going to the physio has revealed that my left leg is less flexible than my right. In addition the inner calf muscle on my left leg has been working harder than the outer one. Working so hard in fact that it went off on stress leave. So the last couple of weeks has been partly about dealing with the actual injury and partly about addressing these imbalances. What I didn't know was that my right calf has been getting jealous about all the attention I have lavished on the left one. Sure I have been spending extra time with my left calf and rubbing it and spoiling it and making sure it was happy. But that doesn't mean it's my favourite. I love both of them equally. It's a bit like having to spend more time with the slow kids in the class - annoying for everyone else but necessary. Despite me explaining all this to the right calf it had to chuck a hissy fit. "What's the matter?" I said. "Nothing!" was the response. That's when you know you're in trouble. Nothing you can do but wait for the inevitable unpleasant fallout. And so it was that about a week ago it threw a tantrum and gave a very good impression of a muscle tear. Thankfully it wasn't a real tear but this will probably mean another two weeks of recovery. Well I hope you're both happy now! Seriously, they are like a couple of spoilt brats. So I was unbalanced but now I am balanced ..... Got a comment?
11.02.2010
Haven't run for just over a week and frankly it is starting to get to me. I know it's not that long but the Melbourne run is getting closer and I am getting a tad tense. If I have any chance at all of running a 'time', or even running in this event at all I have to get back out on the track soon. The calf is on the mend and I have been working diligently at my recovery but patience and I aren't good friends or even acquaintances. Frankly I walk across the street to avoid even saying hello to patience. Despite this I have to say some good things have come out of the injury. To keep my aerobic fitness I have rediscovered the joys of swimming. Dodges Ferry does it again. Instead of paying to go to a pool all I do is head for the beach which is about 5 min walk from my front door. In addition to the swimming, the physio has recommended that I try 'deep water running'. As the name suggest you wade into the water until you can't touch the bottom and start running. It feels weird at first but after a while you settle into a blend of running on the spot and crawling forward. The beauty of this is that it works your legs but doesn't put any pressure on your calves. I have read that it is very effective in speeding recovery but frankly it is the psychological benefits that matter. The worst thing about an injury is the enforced inactivity. This can lead to frustration and a desire to start training again before you should. Deep water running at least feels like training and I have found that it has taken the pressure off a bit and I am more likely to give the injury the time it needs to heal properly. The other bonus has been that getting back in the water has also meant getting back into my old wet suit. Even at the height of summer the sea is bloody cold for anyone over about 10. For some reason kids don't feel the cold but for us oldies you still need to rug up. So for the first time in a couple of years I donned the old 3:2 (so called because the material is 3 mm thick in the body and 2 mm in the arms). To my surprise it still fits! I couldn't wait to share this good news with Michelle. "Look at the sleeve" she said "it says Megastretch". Why, oh why is a man not a king in his own castle! Got a comment?
09.02.2010
If you think about it you realise that major phases in your life are announced. "It's a girl". "It's a boy". "It's ..... well we don't know what it is but isn't it just fabulous!" Along with your birth all the other major 'firsts' are accompanied by particular phrase. The first day at school ("be good"), your first girlfriend/ boyfriend ("be good") and and your first job ("be good or at least don't get caught"). Unfortunately your advancing years are also announced. At some point all of us hear the dreaded phrase "a person of your age." You may think you are ready but trust me you're not. Not even a little bit. The reaction is always the same. Firstly you look over your shoulder because surely they're talking about someone else. Once you realise that you are in fact the subject of that awful phrase you go through many of the stages of grief. Denial, anger ... and I suppose eventually acceptance (I'm not there yet). So it was that I trundled along to the physio just expecting to be given my money's worth of professional injury rehabilitation. What I got was all that plus the announcement that I am now officially old. "Well" the young, fit Bondi Vet type dude said "a man of your age needs to make sure they recover properly between sessions". Surely all us runners, no matter what our vintage, should do this I thought to myself. See, this is why I hate injuries. No one would be talking about my age if I was still out running. Still I have made a couple of my friends happy. They were complaining that it wasn't fair that I had started running after so long and hadn't got hurt. I think they jinxed me .... maybe it was voodoo ... the black arts ... Harry Potter style ..... Got a comment?
03.02.2010
What a difference a couple of days make, I am sitting here with my leg up on a packet of frozen, but rapidly thawing, peas. Yesterday I was in the middle of a speed session when bam! I tore the top of my soleus (this muscle sits under the calf muscle). Update - the physio says it was my calf not the soleus but what would he know!? Now take a moment to put yourself in shoes of the average middle aged man and ask yourself. What would the worst injury you can imagine, short of death or losing a limb, look like? One, it would happen after a period of high, maybe overblown, confidence. Two, it would happen at the worst possible location. Three, it would happen at the worst possible time. Finally it would be something that, if you had thought about it, could have been avoided. If I apply these criteria to the last 24 hours. One, I have just finished patting myself on the back about how well I have been doing (see previous entry) and had started to think maybe I was worrying too much about injuries. Two, it happened at the busiest part of the run - in front of the local shops and at least 2km from home. How come no one sees you when you are running well but as soon as trouble hits there's everyone there to see! Three, I had just passed a couple of young girls. Sure they probably had finished laughing at my efforts by the time I had to stop but I knew they were there. You'll be happy to know I kept my dignity and didn't look around. How come .... well you know. Far worse is the fact that the day before I had booked flights to Melbourne and entered the Sun Herald Run for Kids (14.6km). The plan was to fly over, impress my big city friends with a blistering time, swan back over to Tassie and then create a triumphant and slightly smug entry for this blog. Finally, looking back over the runs I had been doing there is no doubt that I had started to introduce speed work too soon. According to a couple of physiotherapy sites what I just did is a classic 'training too hard too early' type of injury. On the bright side I have been icing the tear like mad and I am off to the physio tomorrow. Lets hope I've brought my usual level of competence to bear and haven't done the injury 'properly'. If I am going to make the Melbourne deadline (14th March) I need to be back training in a week or so. Got a comment?
31.01.2010
It seems only yesterday, but was in fact 30 yesterdays, that I dragged my sorry butt out onto the roads of Dodges Ferry for that middle aged man shuffle I call a jog. So how has it gone? ... Well I have covered 80 injury free kms running and 259 kms walking the dogs. I count the walks because they are part of my recovery. The recovery is great because it also includes rest and post-run snacks. In fact recovery is the only ray of sunshine so far in this whole sorry exercise. I have learned that massage is now only painful rather than excruciating. I have discovered that a surprisingly large number of dogs roam the streets of our fine neighbourhood and none of them like runners. I have received a lot of advice from people driving past in cars. This advice has covered a wide range of topics from my running style, looks and how to improve the relationship with my parents - if I ever meet them. Lastly I have noticed that talking about my plan to run this half-marathon doesn't result in the adulation I expected. In fact, it causes people's eyes to glaze over. Why are people so hard to impress? On a serious note it was nice to run a personal best (pb) on my forty ninth birthday. I guess I'll keep going. Got a comment?
25.01.2010
I tried a new circuit yesterday that saw me covering 8 km (longest distance so far) in 45 min 30 sec (quickest time so far). Not only did I feel good the whole way but I ran my fastest time over the last three kilometres. Sure the Ethiopians and Kenyans aren't looking over their shoulders but at least my times are heading in the right direction. The run also saw the welcome return of the 'runner's high'. If you haven't experienced an exercise induced 'drug high' you should. The body produces a range of home made pain killing chemicals that give you a real buzz. The problem is that you have to go through a bit of pain in order to get the hit. Still it's cheaper than the alternative and, so far, still legal. Why did I ever stop running? Got a comment?
22.01.2010
"Right, strip to your undies and jump on the bed" she told me. Now don't be concerned. This blog hasn't suddenly gone all adult entertainment. I recently got introduced to the wonderful world of remedial massage. You'd think that there wouldn't be much to say about getting a massage but .... well you'd be wrong! Michelle is a great believer in massage and has been suggesting I try it for some time. Unfortunately she keeps saying I should go to a male massager to 'make me feel more comfortable'. Well. No. Actually that wouldn't make me feel more comfortable - wrong generation and upbringing you see. If I am going to get touched up, it will be by a woman thank you. However my scepticism has been over taken by my paranoia about getting injured so I bit the bullet and rang the local 'alternative' 'wholistic' health thingamee and made a booking. Being a novice I asked Michelle what to expect. "Well" she said "you do have to nude up, or at least strip down to your underwear". "Make sure they're clean" she warned "no one likes nasty surprises!". After some serious thinking I decided I was 80% certain I could find a clean pair. "Make sure you ask for lots of pressure, too many of them just pfaff about and that's no good" Michelle added. "Don't worry it won't hurt .... well it's a good hurt anyway". Now anyone who starts talking like that really gets me worrying. It's just a bit too much like the old 'this will hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you' routine you got as a child and everyone knows it always hurt us more than it hurt them. The day came and off I went fully confident that I wouldn't embarrass myself or anyone else. The room was obviously set up to relax people and I was impressed with the gentle music, scented candles and soft lighting. I always look my best in soft or non-existent lighting. For the first time in many years a woman, other than a doctor or customs official, asked me to take my clothes off. This massage caper is quite pleasant I decided. But then I hit my first problem. Looking at the 'massage table' I noticed a pillow at one end and a sort of toilet seat at the other. "Ok" I thought "which way do I lie down?". Being well brought up I know you don't put your feet on the pillow. But surely my feet aren't supposed to go in the toilet thingy? Now in these situations it is better to do nothing rather than the wrong thing so I sat on the table and waited. Since I was 'sans clothes' I hit my second problem. You see the 'therapist' had left the room to 'lock the door' and this put me in an awkward spot. If she had stayed in the room I would have taken off my shirt and only had to suck in my gut for the time needed to remove my shorts and lie on the massage table. If I had taken my shorts off first this would be even easier. But there I was waiting for her to come back and having to watch the door so I knew when to ... well you know ... make myself look fitter. I couldn't anticipate her arrival because if I got it wrong my gut would be going out just as she was coming in! Anyway it all turned out well and I ended up lying in the right position. Now I know that you do put your feet on the pillow and your head on the toilet seat thingy. Ah head down the toilet, I haven't thought of primary school and bullies in years. Having got the logistics right it was now time for the slap and tickle. I should point out that Deb is a lovely woman who looks like the sort of person who is nice to kids and animals. This is probably true but she also has the ability to inflict horrible, mind destroying and seemingly never ending pain. To start with, despite her small stature, Deb can crush ball bearings between her fingers. She also loves to find those little knots in your muscles and grind them until either you or they disappear. Nothing up to this point had prepared me for the pain. "When I find a knot" Deb explained " I push on it as hard as I can for thirty seconds to send the brain a message to tell this muscle to relax". Well, I thought as I writhed in agony, my brain has got the message but it's not relax. "Just breath through the pain" Deb soothingly advised. Now I understand why men who say this to their wives during child birth receive a gob full of abuse in return. Breathing does no freakin' good. Looking through the toilet seat during this ordeal I could see a 'healing crystal' on the floor below me. 'Well don't just sit there you freakin' bit of hippie rock' I thought ' do something!' Even though I didn't feel them before the massage I 'discovered' I had two large knots in my calves - one in each just to make it nice and even. I have been working on them myself since the massage to see if I can reduce them before I go and see the lovely Deb again. I decided one painful session isn't enough. I must be a masochist! Ten runs down and no injury - not much but a start. Got a comment?
18.01.2010
Running a half marathon requires both physical and mental strength. A lot of the 'advice' and information out there deals extensively with the physical aspects of distance running. There are training schedules, injury prevention strategies and nutrition advice. But what about the old noggin? One of the websites I've seen had a quote from Henry Ford, "if you think you can or think you can't you are right". Which is a neat summary of the role the brain has in any achievement. This is no surprise for us AFL lovers who are used to hearing the commentators bangin' on about how a team's 'self belief' proved to be the difference on the day. So I accept that achievement lives or dies in the mind but how do you man up mentally? Despite the massive size of the 'self esteem' industry it is the last place I would go to find answers. It has been way too successful in promoting the 'quaint' belief that wishing will make it so! Bollocks. Just believing has never, does not and will not lead automatically to success although I do agree that having enough confidence to get started is a requirement. Similarly the 'power of positive thinking' approach is completely ineffective at developing reliance and perseverance. I am going to need both of these things to have any hope of a decent performance at Windsor. 'Real' mental strength develops in a cyclical way. Confidence comes from skill or achievement and this, in turn, promotes further confidence, skill and effort. Applying this to my little mid-life crisis, it isn't enough to 'believe' that I can run 21km I have to actually do it. Worryingly I have seen training schedules (even the one on the Windsor site itself) that do not have you running the whole distance prior to the race. To me this is a fundamental mistake. I know the schedule authors believe that adrenaline will 'get you through' but it ignores a critical part of self belief. That is, knowing you can achieve because you have done it in training. This lack is also repeated for the other elements required to complete a half marathon with any sort of style. To make sure I don't embarrass myself in front of thousands of poms I will need to develop an adequate 'race pace'. Obviously this will be a lot slower than the serious 'all prick and ribs' athletes but it must be quicker than a 'jog'. But many of the training schedules I have seen don't contain any speed development at all. I know it's all very well for me to criticise but what am I doing to man up? To start with I am not changing my normal routine. So all of my training is in addition to any activity I would normally undertake. I have, for example, done a training run on the same day as walking the dogs, watering all the fruit trees and vegies and building a compost pile. In addition, I have also attempted to get my body used to longer distances as quickly as possible. On Sunday Michelle and I took our dogs on their usual 12km jaunt (which is a mixture of footpath, sand and bush track) as soon as we got back I went for a 6km run. This is the longest distance I have covered so far and means that I can cover some 18kms without any real problem. This is a real boost to my confidence this early in the training cycle. I will continue this approach until the combination of walk/ run equals 21km. Once that is done it will be a matter of replacing the walk bit with more running until I am running the whole distance. At some point I will need to introduce speed work into my routine. I have to confess I am not looking forward to it because with speed work will come all the 'I think I am going to be sick' fun of anaerobic training .... yeah I know ..... man up! Eight runs down and no injury - not much but a start. Got a comment?
10.01.2010
There is a reason why people say ignorance is bliss. That's because if you don't know you are doing something wrong then you are relaxed and happy. The old bliss took a real pounding this week. I made the mistake of looking at half marathon training plans on the internet..... The first thing I realised is that I have never trained for a run before - not I didn't train properly but I didn't train at all. Oh, there was plenty of activity just no training. My approach was basically run, then run some more. I would almost always have an over use or excessive training injury along the way but I would do enough so I could finish. While I was generally happy with my achievement I was always left with nagging doubts. Why did so many people passed me on the way? Why were people who I thought were around my level of fitness running better times than me?. Seems they had been doing 'real' training not the old 'hey, look at me I am training' training. Since not looking stupid in front of poms is one of my goals I might need to tackle this race just a bit differently All the training plans I have looked at have some things in common. They all involve rest. This is good I can do that ... I am an elite rester! They all involve variety in distances, pace and run layout. You do a long, medium and short runs. There is a bit too much hill work in some of the plans if you ask me but since I live in a bumpy area I am not going to be able to avoid doing at least some of it. Lastly they all use progression. Some are based on regular but small increases in distance but others appear to favour the 'shock and awe' of sudden and relatively large increases - one includes a 'long run' of over 12kms at the end of the first week! That's the other problem with information once it's in your head you think you have to do something with it. So I will be developing my own training schedule over the next couple of weeks. It will have the core principles that seem to be necessary but not rushing into it will allow me to continue creating a running base and getting my body used to running regularly. It will also give me time to say goodbye to my old favourite but hopelessly inadequate way of doing things. Five runs down and no injury - not much but a start. Got a comment?
07.01.2010
Well that's it no turning back now I have officially entered the race. I just completed the online entry form and more importantly ordered the commemorative T shirt. Can you imagine the shame of wearing the T shirt and then having to admit that you didn't go in the race and it wasn't because of some horrendous injury. In the old days you could lie about a whole range of stuff but now getting found out is just an internet search away..... Actually reading the fine print I think the organisers are used to people asking for their money back. One of the conditions says "Entry fees will not be refunded just because you entered on the spur of the moment and after doing a couple of runs you realise it's going to be harder than you think. Stop being a sook and keep going you wee jessie". Ouch, how did they know what I was thinking? All up it cost about $75 to enter which, due to the improving exchange rate, is less than it would have been last year. Thank the lord for England's tanking economy, may it continue into 2010! Got a comment?
06.01.2010
"My first run was up to the shop and back. 4 kilometres in total over a flat course only interrupted by one small hill". ..... Bollocks! It has savage undulations and a freakin' giant hill right at the start! Oh the pain ..... sob .... the paaaaiiiinnnnnn! As you may have guessed things have become much harder as the reality of the years away from the running caper take their toll. The two days following my first run made me realise that despite walking the dogs my quads had basically been coasting. Just like ex-footballers they had been lyin' around losing condition while pretending that they still have what it takes. The other thing I have noticed is that the wind changes direction so that it is always a head win. Running up to the shop - head wind. 'That's alright' you think 'I will have a tailwind on the way back'. Turn around and start heading back - head wind. What's the deal with that!? I always wondered why I hated topography and micro climates and now I know. Talking of micro climates, living in a rain shadow has some advantages at least I haven't had to run in the rain .... yet. Three runs down and no injury - not much but a start. Got a comment?
01.01.2010
Staring at my new shoes didn't seem to be getting me any fitter I had to bite the bullet and take them outside. Standing in the carport holding my new shoes didn't seem to be getting me any fitter either .... damn ... I had to bite the bullet and actually go for a run .... Everybody knows that if you haven't been exercising for a while the first time results in pain, a lot of pain. I really wasn't looking forward to this, not one bit. Still, as some famous philosopher once said " the longest journey begins with the first step". I want this journey to begin with my first step being into my car - I could drive the rest. Sigh ... there was nothing for it - I was going to have to be reintroduced to the world of chaffing. One of the major traps for people who start exercising after a long layoff is that you go too hard too early and get injured. Injuries are discouraging as well as time consuming to get over so this is one time when that old saying "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" really makes sense. Kids go and ask your parents what the words ounce and pound mean. My first run was up to the shop and back. 4 kilometres in total over a flat course only interrupted by one small hill. While I didn't time the run I set a pace a bit above 'first time jog by an over weight middle aged man'. I felt pretty good aerobically. The long distance dog walking was paying off. My quads did feel a bit like jelly by the time I got back but importantly my left Achilles (the one damaged in the motorcycle accident) felt fine. One run down and no injury - not much but a start. Got a comment?
30.12.2009
Doing as Gav suggested I went looking for a pair of running shoes for the first time in 13 years. I decided that, while I could buy shoes off the Internet, I could really benefit from some advice. Surely, I thought, the wonders of technology had been applied to footwear since the last time I ran and I would be able to buy shoes in which I could run an awesome time with the minimum of training. Maybe the boffins had invented a shoe that did away with the whole tiresome necessity of training all together? .... I ventured into a specialty running shop and got served by the sort of pleasant, fit and impossibly young person you expect to find. After a bit of testing he recommended a stability shoe. Personally I thought I needed a sanity shoe but what the hell would I know? He grabbed a pair of shoes off the shelf exclaiming "these are just the ones you need!". Seriously, they gave me a headache just looking at them. A sort of Flouro red and silver that screamed "drug dealer!". "Haven't you got anything a little less .... pimp?" I asked. He looked at me with a serious expression "they're red, don't you want to go fast?". Having no answer to such a deep question all I could say was "I did an accounting degree and I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to wear shoes like that. " Fortunately we found a pair that did the stability thing without shouting "look at me I sell drugs" and off I went ..... Got a comment?
28.12.2009
Ok got the objective, time to begin the plan. The first step is to take stock .... I have never run a half marathon. I will be 50 in early 2011. The last time I ran any sort of race was 1996 or 1997 and it was around 10km. The last time I ran anywhere was a short funrun 3 years ago and that was about 5km. I am 'just a touch' over my fighting weight and have dodgy ankles, the result of a motorcycle accident and repeatedly rolling. I have an addiction to chocolate and Tassie wine. My meals are served at sizes well beyond that deemed sensible by nutritionists not employed by junk food companies. On the plus side I have a delightful personality and movie star good looks. Actually that's another thing, I have a tendency to believe and say things that are just not true. Lastly I have a track record of starting things, getting bored and going on to something else. What can possibly go wrong? Got a comment?
27.12.2009
Ok so I have agreed to something without knowing what the hell I am letting myself in for - I've done that before and probably will again. I decided I had to find out a bit more about this run. Apparently every year in the last week of September some 6,000 people gather to run 21 kilometres through the grounds of Windsor Castle. It's not the toughest half marathon in the world but it takes place in a wonderfully unique location. Not only is the view dominated by this magnificent castle but it is mere train ride from the wine regions of France, Italy, Germany, Spain and Portugal. The official website has a lot of information about the course and what to expect. It also has a suggested training schedule which I downloaded but didn't look at. The act of downloading a training schedule and thinking "I'll have a gander at that later" means that I have in fact started of my training schedule - see gettin' fitter already and have I lost weight?. Before I can begin to plan the rest of my training schedule I need to set an overall objective. I decided that I would set a modest goal. I intend to complete this race without walking, vomiting or dying. It's important that I don't make a fool of myself in front of thousands of poms you see. Being a tight arse I want to achieve this with a minimum of expenditure and being lazy I want to have my achievement with a minimum of sweat, panting and chaffing. Of course, once the race is over it is over to France to drink wine for a month - I will have earned it. That's enough exertion for one day there's a bottle of riesling upstairs just waiting for me to open ... Got a comment?