"You have got to be kidding! .... that's your answer! ... you're supposed to be an expert!"

That's the trouble with listening to morning ('talk back') radio, it sends you into internal meltdown and you start yelling like a nutter. This doesn't make you attractive to anyone and may result in people asking if you've had your medication. It's best done solo and in the privacy of your own home (like a lot of things! - Ed).

The reason for this outbreak of temporary tourettes was the wine segment on the ABC's Statewide Morning program. Regular listeners are regularly treated to the musings of Jeremy Oliver who edits a wine magazine and each year produces a book on Australian wine. He is what's known as a 'wine expert'. During his segment people ring up to 'have their wine questions answered'.

There are only a few important wine questions. Are you about to open a bottle? Why haven't you opened a bottle? My glass is empty, is there any more? Each question leads neatly on to the next and, asked often enough, will quickly turn a person into an experienced wine drinker aka a 'wine expert'.

Despite Jeremy's undoubted wine knowledge and experience the segment focuses too much on mainland wines. Very few Tasmanian wines get a mention which is disappointing given that this ABC program is meant to be 'local radio'. The other thing you notice about the wine segment is that Jeremy needs some help with his ability to deal with food and wine matching issues.

To prove the point, and to dispel any thought you may have that this 'attack' is motivated by jealousy, take a listener's question on the most recent of Jeremy's ABC outings. "Jane" rang to say that she was having a dinner party that would feature boeuf bourguignon and her intention was to open a bottle of 2005 Grange. What she wanted to know was what else she should provide.

As expected Jeremy pointed out that the Grange was too young and he is spot on. He then went on to suggest another mainland shiraz which was much cheaper than the Grange. Bang! that was it and then they moved on. There are a few problems with this answer.

At it's heart 'Jane' asked a food and wine matching question. Her tone also suggested that she clearly hoped for help and guidance. Here was an opportunity to help everyone listening understand the basics of how to have the right wine with the right food. This is how we would have dealt with this type of question.

The 1994 'Schubert
Memorial'
Penfolds Grange

Tim "Go ahead Jane what's your question? "

Jane "Oh hi I'm having a dinner party and I want to serve boeuf bourguignon. I am going to have a bottle of Grange but I need another wine as well"

Us "Hi Jane what year is the Grange?"

Jane "It's 2005"

Us "Ok, now Jane just a couple more questions before we work out what would be the best wine for the meal you're planning"

Us " Jane who is coming to the meal? Are they real friends, people you have to entertain but don't really like or are you angling for a promotion?"

Jane  (laughs) (well she would wouldn't she! - Ed) "It's for real friends"

Us "Jane are any of these friends employed as Actors, Stock Brokers, Merchant Bankers, Art Critics or Rock Concert promoters?"

Jane (more laughter) "No"

Us "Ok, we now know that you're nice and so are your friends so why serve them Grange? There are two reasons why the Grange is not for you. One it's too young. It will need between 10 to 15 years to reach it's peak. Second no one at your dinner party is a tosser".

Us "You see Jane, Grange is for wine industry types, wine groupies and tossers. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's breathtakingly spectacular. However too often it's the most over rated, over hyped and over priced red blend in Australia. You have to keep it properly cellared for 20 years and serving it is a long drawn out process if you want to do it properly."

"Not only are there better, ready to drink wines that cost significantly less but because some people buy Grange as an investment it is now an 'asset'. This means that besides the price having no link to it's real worth Grange is bought by greedy people who don't deserve to own it." 

Us "The upshot is that if you serve it to your friends they probably won't enjoy it and worst might start thinking you're a wine wanker. You wouldn't want that would you Jane?". 

Jane "No, absolutely not"

Us "What's more boeuf bourguignon is a classic French dish. If you must have a shiraz make it a cool climate one but what it's crying out for is an earthy full flavoured pinot. It's one of the few cases when you should act like a French person."

At this point we would rattle off any number of excellent Tasmanian pinots that will not just go with the beef but actually make it taste even better. A Winstead, a Velo, a Kilbowie Heron's Rise, an Elmslie, a Humbug Reach or Grey Sands. The list is endless.

Over rated, over hyped
and over priced?

Jane " So what do I do with the Grange?"

Us " You sell it to a wine groupie or tosser. Just look for someone in those jobs mentioned earlier. Use the large amount of money you will get to buy a swag of excellent Tassie wines. Seriously you will be much better off and so will your guests."

Jane "Thank you winepunters you've saved me from humiliation and made me a better person!"

Us "Yes Jane, yes we have".

(the fact that we screwed up our chances on ABC radio have nothing to do what might seem a slightly petty and spiteful undertone in this article .... just a coincidence .... really - Ed)

What do you think?  Send us a comment

How to pour a Grange after you have cellared it for up to 20 years

(From the back label of a bottle of 1994 Grange) "Stand the bottle upright for a minimum of 3 hours prior to opening, even longer if possible, so as to settle the sediment. Being careful not to disturb the crust, open the bottle and pour the wine into a decanter in one continuous movement with the minimum disturbance to the flow. You may choose to use a light or a candle underneath the bottle to see when the sediment reaches the bottle neck."